Great Northern Blog Tour: I Watch the Pilot of Twin Peaks 25 Years Later

Independent knitwear designers have been releasing some absolutely stunning collections recently, and a few months ago Teresa Gregorio of Canary Knits told me about an exciting new one in the works--let me tell you a little more about Great Northern, a new collection of knitting patterns inspired by Twin Peaks.

If you've never watched Twin Peaks, don't worry--until a few days ago, I hadn't seen a single episode. But that's the beautiful thing about knitting patterns and collections: you don't have to identify with the designers' inspiration in order to love the patterns (though it's admittedly pretty cool when you do). The designers' enthusiasm for the subject translates into unique and creative designs, and you get a behind-the-scenes look at the story behind it all. 

What I have seen is the previous work of Teresa and her partner-in-crime, Leah Coccari-Swift, AKA Ruby Submarine. Both very talented designers, they're bringing their gifts and experience to a collection of sweaters, accessories and home decor pieces Twin Peaks fans and muggles alike are sure to love. I mean, look how cute:

I don't know about you, but I can see myself in all of those pieces!

And here's the most important part: there's currently a Kickstarter campaign going for this awesome collection so Teresa and Leah can do a print run of the book! While I love having ebook versions of knitting books, my first choice is still a print book--it just feels like you can really dive into the heart and soul of a collection when you're flipping through the pages. They've got some awesome rewards set up for backers too, but the campaign is quickly drawing to a close, so go back them right away!

Now, all that said, I didn't feel like I could fully appreciate the genius behind this collection without having seen at least one episode of the show. So, read on for my stream-of-consciousness recap of the Pilot episode of Twin Peaks (which I plan to resume watching when CP comes back from Mexico; it's just a smidge too creepy to watch while home alone.)

Kristen Watches Twin Peaks and Has Thoughts About It

Ugh, this music. It's going to give me nightmares. Actually, it sounds like a slowed-down version of one of the songs Ollie's mobile plays. This . . . does not make me feel better. Why does Ollie's mobile play the song from Twin Peaks? Will investigate further.

Ok, here's a pretty mild-mannered bordering-on-elderly guy (it's funny how your definition of "elderly" changes as you age, isn't it?) saying goodbye to his wife, who is definitely a horrible bitch. Also, a thus-far uninteresting Asian woman lives with them. Or maybe they live with her. Whatever.

Anyway, Guy was off to go fishing, but is now staring dubiously at a plastic bag on the beach. This is clearly a different time and place, because a plastic bag on a beach anywhere near here would generate zero interest. He's approaching it like it's the Montauk Monster, so clearly people in Twin Peaks DO NOT LITTER. 

And we have some hair. This must be the late Laura Palmer.  

Guy calls the police and speaks to the quintessential 80s ditz who is apparently coherent enough to handle police communications. I don't know, she seems like a weak link. The police quickly arrive to investigate , and the officer taking the photos for evidence bursts into tears, to which the Sheriff replies "Is this going to happen every damn time??" Wait, how many people are getting murdered in this quaint small town? 

We finally flip her over, and I must say, for having been brutally murdered, wrapped in plastic and tossed in a river, she looks pretty good. They were like . . . "Hmmm, blue lipstick ought to do it. Maybe a little dirt on her forehead, but make it sparkly."

Cut to Laura's parents looking for her and finding out her fate, which I'm skipping over, because people wailing over their dead babies in not something I can really handle. Also, why do they keep fixating on the ceiling fan? I hope that's relevant. I haven't seen someone this interested in a ceiling fan since JJ was a baby.

Now we find ourselves in a rundown diner where two purported teenagers named Bobby and Shelley are totally doing it--I mean, not AT the diner, but somewhere. Bobby is apparently Laura's boyfriend and clearly bad news. I have a feeling pretty much everyone in this show is bad news. Including Shelley, who turns out to be married! See? Bobby drives her home, sees her husband's truck on the front lawn and FREAKS out, so I'm guessing Shelley's husband is a piece of work too. 

And now we're at Twin Peaks high school or whatever it's called, where Lara Flynn Boyle is wearing clothes 18 sizes too big (why was this a thing?), and some other chic is clearly channeling Rizzo--oh hey, it's Chandler's one-legged girlfriend! LFB is chatting with a guy who is I guess supposed to be a biker, but looks like a 15-year-old in a leather jacket. Ah, James Hurley is his name. He answers roll call with a "Yo!" so I guess that's the kind of rebellious attitude that bikers dared to exhibit in the early 90s. Trouble! Clearly with all this set up, he's actually the nicest guy in the whole town. 

Laura is not in homeroom and after the cops come looking for Bobby and a random girl goes screaming through the courtyard, LFB--whose name is actually Donna--and James just know that Laura is D-E-A-D. Why? Suspicious.

The police are questioning Bobby, who is ultimately informed of Laura's death and frankly doesn't seem all that broken up about it. James at least broke a pencil. Bobby is putting on a good show, but he's clearly a jerk. He probably didn't kill Laura, though. That would be too easy. (Wikipedia tells me that ABC forced the show to reveal the killer mid-way through season 2; as someone who suffered through 6 seasons of WHO IS A? on Pretty Little Liars, I laughed.)

The police search Laura's house and take her diary and assorted other evidence, and then we're back to fishing guy, bitch wife and Asian woman, and some nonsense about shutting down a saw mill for the day. Really, not very interesting.

Now a catatonic girl is wandering down a railroad track. I guess this is will be important later. She looks cold. 

James, who does in fact ride a hog, stops at a gas station and leaves a note for Donna with the owner, Ed. Are there no phones in Twin Peaks? Ed's wife is screeching at him about drapes and wearing an eye patch. Ok. 

Aaaaaaand it's The Captain! Here's Kyle MacLachlan, FBI, acting like a whackadoo. I guess that's his character on every show. He's here to investigate and yapping into a voice recorder. Trees, they're awesome! I feel bad for Diane, whoever she is, that has to listen to his ramblings. Or, hmmm, maybe there is no Diane. That's the sort of thing that happens in these kinds of TV shows, isn't it?

The Captain first visits Catatonic Girl, whose case might be connected with Laura's, but it seems she's conveniently still catatonic and can't provide any info. Then it's off to the morgue to see Laura. The Captain digs a small wooden square out from under her fingernail. It seems to be really wedged in there, it's kinda gross. It has a letter "R." Mysterious! No scrabble letters under Catatonic Girl's fingernails, though.

Donna picks up her note from Ed--she needs to meet James at the Roadhouse tonight. Seriously, people, phones. Look into them. Donna's 80s Movie Stereotype boyfriend is here to yell  at her because I'm going to guess no one in his show is in a relationship with a decent person and instead of just breaking up, they're all sneaking around behind each other's backs. 

The Captain reads Laura's diary and finds out she was supposed to meet "J" the night of her death. He also finds a safety deposit box key taped onto a page, with white powder residue. Are people really so reckless with their illicit drugs? So it seems Laura had a little cocaine problem. I'm guessing this wasn't Laura's only problem. 

There's also videotape (videotape!) of Laura and Donna dancing around on a mountain--and I use the term "dancing" loosely. They appear to be doing the Carlton. Wait, when did The Fresh Prince start? Did Laura and Donna actually invent the Carlton? But more importantly, WHO TOOK THIS VIDEO? Tripods have NOT been invented yet, people. 

Crying Police Officer has found the place where Laura was killed and is, predictably, crying again. 

Rizzo scares her father's potential investors out of town by telling them about her friend being murdered, and giggles maniacally as they scatter. I don't know what this has to do with anything.

Bobby and Donna are both questioned by the police and lie their asses off. Donna tells The Captain that a random hiker took the video, but was we pan closer and closer to Laura's face we see . . . a motorcycle reflected in her eye! 

DUN DUN DUN!

James broods adorably and fiddles with one of those cheesy "best friends" half-heart necklaces. Do they still make those? I definitely had a few of those, though I no longer remember who had the other halves, so it's like $3 pieces of jewelry from Claire's mean NOTHING.

The Captain and Tenille--er, the Sheriff--go investigate the place where Laura was murdered, which is predictably dark and bloody. They find a scrap of paper with a note in blood and . . . 

THE OTHER HALF OF THE HEART NECKLACE! 

Boy, the clues are just piling up. Now they've got their hands on the safety deposit box, which is flush with cash and a Playboy knockoff. The Captain's gleeful face when opening up the magazine is terrifying. It has a picture of Catatonic Girl which probably means . . . something.

Oooh, here's Shelley's truck driver husband. He's a Skeet Ulrich/Gavin Rossdale-looking guy who's so obviously psychotic he must be a red herring. I would like him to go away.

Now we're at some kind of community meeting where The Captain is advising the townspeople to implement a curfew for minors. Oh, this will totally work! Donna immediately sneaks out, presumably to meet James, while her sister does a simply atrocious job of covering up for her. Their "secret" meeting place, Roadhouse, appears to be the town bar (I'm guessing they don't card?) that everyone knows is a secret meeting place, because the cops AND Bobby and Jerkface Boyfriend beat her there. Smooth. 

And good lord, the band at this bar is singing the theme song. My nightmare continues.

A fistfight breaks out, which James' biker friends use as a diversion to hustle Donna out of there and take her to James. The cops are right on their tail. It seems that James was with Laura the night she died (J was short for James?!? Indecipherable code, Laura!), and she was behaving erratically. Well, coke will do that. She leapt off his bike somewhere along the way, and he never saw her again. Sniffle sniffle. 

Ah. True Love.

No, wait. Now James and Donna are making out. 

So, not so much True Love.

They decide the necklace links James to Laura a little too neatly, so they bury it under half an inch of dirt and clumsily toss a rock on top. Well done guys. Then they take off, and of course the cops are waiting to pick up James. 

James, Bobby and Jerkface Boyfriend are all in jail and the latter two begin . . .barking? ... at James. I have no idea. There is more police questioning and expository dialogue, but the show is losing me now because it's late and I got 4 hours' sleep last night.

And I kid you not, PLL fans, in the closing scene, an anonymous gloved hand digs up the "carefully" buried necklace--IT'S A!!